Yesterday I had the privilege of eating lunch at one of the famed Google cafeterias, and I want to share the exciting experience. For those of you who don't know, Google has 14 eateries on their campus (an apt name, since the general vibe is that of a small, ethnically diverse, engineering-focused college) and they provide FREE food and drinks to all of their employees and visitors. (You can read about it here, if you're interested.) But, unless you work at Google, eating there has all the exclusivity of the French Laundry, because you're not allowed to eat there unless you're an employee. Luckily my friend Marni is contracting there so Sharoni and I got to peer behind the shroud of mystery and experience it ourselves.

I have to share that after signing the non-disclosure agreement I was totally paranoid that I was not supposed to be taking pictures, even though it was just of food and stuff, so I didn't snap as many as I wanted to! That is, until we saw other people blatantly taking pictures of stuff.

So, first on our tour was the restroom. Well, imagine my surprise when I saw this little doohickey on the inner wall of the stall:


Look, Google is pictorially offering to wash and dry the front and/or rear of my butt. Not to mention the seat warmer which is not pictured here. And the "oscillating" button, whatever that does. I didn't take advantage of these services because I didn't feel I had adequate time to run through the full-service treatment- and also I feared getting my pants/shirt wet- but the mere fact that they were offered to me upon my arrival was rather impressive.

Still heady from the invigorating restroom experience, we ventured into one of the 14 cafeterias that we did NOT eat in, but stopped to grab some fresh oysters from the al fresco oyster bar. Which seemed kind of ridiculous. Don't be too jealous, they only get them on Fridays. Remember, FREE.



After whetting the appetite with oysters, we walked a few hundred yards to another part of the campus so we could go to the largest cafe, the No-Name cafe. During the walk we passed this strange ramshackle tear-down structure, also known as the Google meth lab (to me, anyway) and ALSO known as one of the most valuable pieces of property in all of Silicon Valley (again, to me.) It looks like it should be in that part of Disneyland where they have the Country Bear Jamboree show with the animatronic Abraham Lincoln. Super weird.



Anyhoo, we entered the main part of the Google campus and passed the Asian-flaired Pacific Cafe. We considered going there because everyone was drinking out of whole coconuts, which seemed mysterious and appealing, but it was super crowded so we headed on across the courtyard to the No-Name Cafe. We had to stand in line for quite a while, which was a bit of a bummer. But it was worth it because we were waiting for the house-cured fish station. Truthfully, the seared ahi was not quite up to snuff, mostly because it was overly peppery and wasabi-y, but the house-smoked trout with accoutrements was quite tasty.


There was a dizzying array of choices at the No-Name- Indian, Mexican, organic, Asian, BBQ, you name it. I also had a pizza bread which was quite delish, and we shared a lobster-shrimp-clam chowder in a bread bowl that was nothing to be scoffed at.

Next came what I think is my favorite part. I noticed a freezer case full of It's Its with special Google-branded packaging. "Why Marni," I stammered, "could it be that Google even has their own specially branded It's Its? What is the meaning of this?" To which she replied, "Why yes, dear friend, apparently the reason is that Google requested that they alter the recipe and make special ice cream sandwiches with no corn syrup or trans fats just for us." (I may be paraphrasing / Jane Austen-izing the conversation a tad.)

But how do ya like them apples?




 
This is to prove I ate the special It's It. The picture was taken right before I noticed melty chocolate drips on my pants and shirt. But that's the great thing about eating with lots of nerds- they all have messy clothes and most of them wear dorky Google-branded t-shirts anyway! Meanwhile, Marni went to get a custom handroll of yellowtail sushi from a different cafe across the courtyard. But of course.

So in closing- Google is magical. They will wash your butt electronically, they will give you free oysters, and they have their own It's Its. Not to mention all the good searching algorithms and the gmail and stuff.



Thanks Marni!